Okay, this is like my fourth attempt to write this post, because brains are stupid, words are stupid, and blank pages are stupid and so are feelings, so please bear with me while I try to get all of these stupid things lined up to make something coherent.

I am feeling disconnected. I don’t really know what I want, or what to do about it, or what to do with myself in general. It is difficult for me to really express when I want or need something, and I tend to get really wildly different reactions when I do, so it’s often less stressful to just, not say anything. I tend to ignore it anyway because my kids come first as well, and making sure they have what they need is always my priority. All that in addition to being chronically ill leads pretty easily to me feeling disconnected to my own body, feelings and thoughts, but it’s usually not so obvious and forefront as it is today. Maybe because I’ve been struggling with getting enough sleep the past two weeks and I woke up in a lot of pain this morning is why I’m feeling the disconnect so strongly today.

I wrote a short post awhile ago about how I felt Amaterasu-omikami was pushing me to start drawing again. But I’m struggling with it for various reasons. I haven’t drawn in almost ten years. So my past skill is pretty much gone. It’s frustrating. I wanna be on the same level as some of the artists I follow on social media. I’m not jealous, all my frustration is internal, wishing I’d kept up with it, wishing I hadn’t had such an awful professor when I was in school (that mess is it’s own post, ugh), wishing I could just magically be at the level of skill I want immediately. Which I know is completely unrealistic of course.

I sat in prayer to Amaterasu-omikami this morning, apologizing for not being able to make offerings yesterday and trying to express to her all the things I was feeling about drawing and feeling disconnected and being in pain today. And I felt her listening. Then this question popped into my head: what do you want out of it? If you only want the enjoyment of drawing, does your skill really even matter? If it matters, why? You sing even though you’ve never taken a class because you enjoy it. Treat drawing the same way. You must do it for yourself, not solely for me. It only means anything to me if you truly want to make art and enjoy it. Only then would your sincerity be clear in its creation.

I didn’t really know how to answer her questions because I don’t really know what I want out of it. I used to love drawing with my whole being. To the point that it was part of my introduction sometimes. This is Fae, she’s a twin and she loves to draw. Everyone who knew me knew that I always kept pencils and paper in my bookbag, had three pencil sharpeners (one was only for my colored pencils), and like five erasers. My grandfather would buy a ream of printer paper and put my name on it so I would stop stealing from the printer lol. My teachers would ask me to design fliers and programs for class or to draw examples on the chalkboard. I miss that. I miss enjoying it instead of feeling dread and anxiety.

I guess what I want out of drawing is to feel like I did as a kid again.


I’m so tired today…

What up chicken nuggets, today’s post is brought to you by the Letter S for sleepy. Forgive me if there’s a lot of typos or if I’m not making sense today. The kids were up until 2am, and for whatever reason the last two weeks I’ve been waking up at 5am regardless of how long or little I slept and not being able to get back to sleep. So I’m running on only three hours sleep and my brain is mildly sauteed with a side of lemon and butter.

I’m usually very diligent about morning prayers and offerings for Amaterasu-omikami, but being the way my health is, somedays I just can’t manage it no matter how much I may want ot. Today is definitely one of those days, and tbh, I’m not actually sure if what I’m thinking is what I’m typing out on the page. My brain does weird things when sleep deprived and aggravated by the weather, so it’s not really prioritizing reading lol. My synesthesia always jumps out when I’m tired, so my vision is awash in color from the slightest of noises, which as you can probably imagine makes reading even harder, on top of my brain just not focusing on the words in general.

Amaterasu-omikami doesn’t seem to mind the days when my health dictates my routine, which is a huge weight off my shoulders, but like, ya know, I still lowkey feel bad about it. I’m getting better at going easy on myself though.

Man I’m tired. And there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to take a nap today either. Which is wild because like, you would think I’d clock out as soon as my head hit a pillow being as I’ve been up all day on so little sleep, but no, you’d be wrong.

I do need to post the pop culture magic stuff I did last week up here don’t I? That’s going to have to be for another day unfortunately.

So today is the last day of the Final Splatfest in Splatoon 2

And I’ve been having feelings about it, but they’re kind of hard to articulate right now. So maybe I’ll be able to do that later. In the meantime, I have a silly bit of a spell inspired by the character Pearl from Off the Hook!

One thing Pearl is known for is that, despite her small stature, she has a BIG voice. It’s mentioned multiple times in Splatoon. It’s joked about a few times in the opening announcements, but also mentioned in the sticker book in Hero Mode that she accidentally destroyed a venue, and of course we see her absolutely demolish with the Killer Wail in Octo Expansion. So who better for a spell to make your voice heard and powerful?

Pearl’s Hypersonic Battle Cry Tea (Killer Wail Special)

– black tea or coffee (energy, courage, strength)

– a cinnamon stick (commanding, compelling)

– a pinch of ginger (luck, success)

– honey, sugar or other sweetener of choice (sweetened words)

– a microphone (or spoon or hairbrush lol)

– a pink or white candle

– a quiet spot

Prepare for your spell in whatever way you normally do. Then, light your candle, envisioning it glowing like Pearl does when she’s about to use her special. Add the ginger and honey to your tea, and stir with your cinnamon stick, envisioning that drinking it will fill your own special gauge completely with Pearl’s confidence.

Take a deep drink of the tea, grab your microphone (or hairbrush!), and saying, in your best announcer style voice, “It’s the Voice to End All Voices!”

Then, let out your best “BOOYAH!” I mean really feel it! Just let it explode out of you like the Killer Wail, knocking down every obstacle in your way! (Try to blow your candle out with it?)

It may feel silly at first, but try to imagine Pearl and Marina impressed at your vocals! They know you’d kill it on stage! Blow out your candle and feel supercharged and confident to take on the day!

A new post!

Goodness, I’m so sorry I haven’t been here! I don’t even have any excuses I legit just forgot this was here. I have several updates, including a new charm spell! That will be near the bottom. Firstly, I know my last post (from back in May wow, ugh) was about my mom being kind of awful. She’s been less awful since then, which takes a lot of stress off me. Although she said something super transphobic the other day and just, ugh, I don’t even want to get into it.

In addition to that, we had to put our dog to sleep last week. Everyone is missing him dearly, but especially the kids. It was really hard. But he had multiple health issues, he was losing his hearing, had pretty bad cataracts, couldn’t handle the stairs so much anymore. We didn’t want him to suffer needlessly. We still look around for him out of habit. But I don’t really want to dwell on that here too much either.

Let’s move on to happy stuff.

My son is getting a little bit interested in Shinto! Mainly because he sees me praying and making offerings everyday. So we’ve just started with that for now since it’s not particularly difficult for a seven year old. This is after catching him twice poking at things because he was curious lol. He’s not consistent yet, but I’m not forcing him, if he decides to join that’s up to him. I think he deserves that option.

Amaterasu-omikami definitely seems to be more approachable in dreams to me, which is not really unusual for me as I tend to lucid dream a lot. I may post the last time she spoke to me in a dream on here if there’s interest.

I have not been able to do a lot of drawing though. It’s summer, and I’ve got two kids in the house, so I rarely get much time to myself!I think I’ll have a better time of it once the school year starts back up again. We’ll see!

That’s actually all of the noteworthy stuff, which leaves us with the charm spell I mentioned earlier! So without further ado, the spell is below.

Hylian Shield Protection Charm

– Hylian shield necklace
– white or yellow candle
– salt
– sage
– rosemary
– black pepper
– small tree branch, with leaves
– hematite or obsidian
– a bowl or cup

Begin by lighting your candle. Next, mix your herbs together in the bowl using your branch. Let your energy and the branch’s mix together with the herbs.

Bury the necklace in the bowl, carefully laying the obsidian on top of the necklace. Place the branch on top of the bowl as well.

Hold your hand over the bowl and say “by the might of the Triforce and the three Goddesses, by the blood of the Goddess Hylia and the Spirit of the Hero, may the Hylian Shield protect me in all its capacity”

Blow out the candle and let it charge one full day and night, preferably when it’s the full moon. Repeat when you feel it’s energy wane.

Wobbly experiences

Things in my life seem to be flying in multiple directions at once lately. Things that were in a slump have picked up, and things that seemed stable are crashing like too many pans on an unstable shelf. I don’t know what to make of it all really. I may even be reading too much into it. It could all just be a series of really weird coincidences. Maybe things are changing because the seasons did. But it feels like this all started a couple months ago after choosing to worship Amaterasu-omikami.

My relationships have all made twists and turns. Fiance and I were in a slump for awhile. But idk, things have seemed to be picking back up and we’re both happier and reconnecting. Which is so good. I’ve made new friends online and they’re cool people and I get the opportunity to learn from them about Shinto and have a community. Pups are doing great. I haven’t seen any of my offline friends in forever and they’re rarely online but like, they’re living their own lives, they work, a couple of them have kids too, and honestly we haven’t been that connected since high school anyway. I miss them, but there’s really not a whole lot I can do about it.

Some relationships have gone south though. Mostly with my parents which sucks. My dad is getting deep into flat earth conspiracies and has been posting annoying ass “I’m so woke” type memes. It’s so condescending, but like, I know him well enough to know he’s not intending to be that way. Like “everyone is at a different level of consciousness, if they don’t want to hear your truth move on”. Like dude shut up! You’re logic is circular and depends on laypeople not knowing how advanced physics works, and you don’t know how that shit works either! And you try to shift the burden of proof away from you when you’re the one challenging the science! It’s exasperating.

But the biggest difference has been my mom. I don’t know what happened in the last couple of months, but her emotional abuse has skyrocketed. It’s bizarre and awful and just continues to get worse. She’s just mean to be mean. She refuses to respect me or my sister’s spiritual journey or autonomy. She doesn’t really want to interact with the Pups even though she likes to claim the grandma title. Her behavior had improved somewhat, and then she got into this whole Black Hebrew thing and just ran headfirst back into her toxic behaviors.

She staunchly refuses to accept our boundaries, demanding both overt and in coded language access to every detail and control over my sister and I, she expects us to comply with her incredibly rigid boundaries. This has manifested in her demanding we never speak about our spirituality in anyway where she might see (including our own Facebook pages), but we have to listen to her and whatever new thing she discovers and “evidence” as she tries to convince us to join her, including sharing antisemitic videos claiming Jewish people are not the true jews, and tons of antivax propaganda.

If we don’t comply with this hypocritical and outrageous dynamic, we’re being hateful and attacking her. Even if all we did was calmly explain something, or ask her to stop sharing with us because we have no interest in leaving our spiritual path. And according to her, we’re not her equals even though we’re both intelligent, critically thinking adults who can make our own decisions. But we’re grown enough for her to gossip at us, share her marital problems with, and extract free therapy from. But we’re supposed to never question her and treat her as an absolute authority and never talk back or in anger.

More like an absolute nightmare to be honest.

It just feels like all of a sudden, people around me are showing their true colors in such a profound, obvious way that it makes me want to either build a stronger bridge, or throw them off of one. Like I’m really ready to cut ties with my mother in a way I never was before. Because her behavior is so obviously egregious. I don’t deserve to be treated this way! My friends don’t treat me this way. My significant other doesn’t treat me this way.

Injust had a thought. In the Kojiki, the story of ama-no-iwato, Amaterasu-omikami initially tolerated Susanoo-no-mikoto’s rampage, trying to calm him down and get him to stop tearing up her rice fields and defiling the canals. But he continued until he flayed the heavenly pony, destroyed the weaving hall and killed one of her priestesses. She fled because it was all too much and hid away in the cave. And the other Kami later drew her out with laughter and joy used in a healing way. Amaterasu-omikami didn’t deserve any of what happened, especially after welcoming Susanoo-no-mikoto. I don’t have to tolerate someone destroying me or the things sacred to me either!

And I feel like Amaterasu-omikami is pushing these things to the forefront so I don’t run and hide away, but instead put them out of my life. To be free of it.

Then there’s her pushing me to draw again. Something that I used to love doing but that toxic, abusive people took from me as well. And suddenly i have cheerleaders, friends who are excited about me getting back to it! Who are actively encouraging me.

Like I said, maybe I’m reading way too far into it. Maybe it’s just coincidence. But it sure feels like too many coincidences piled together to not be something. We’ll see how much further down the rabbit hole it goes.

I think Amaterasu-omikami may be trying to get me to start drawing again. I haven’t drawn in literal years. Everything looks ugly and wonky and there’s no proportions.

And like I’m literally years out of practice, I know it’s gonna be like that. It hurts though. Like a soul deep hurt. Having an abusive art teacher and lack of support from most of your family as a young artist can do that I guess.

On some level I don’t want to draw anymore because it hurts too much. On a different level I will always want to draw because I really do love art.

Amaterasu-omikami, when she brought it up (and sparked this post of course) said that my sakimitama (nigimitama? That part wasn’t super clear for me) shouldn’t be made to continue to suffer and denied the joy I get out of drawing any longer.

So yeah. I may be getting back into drawing.

Sorry, sorry

Welcome to my couple of recent followers! I’m sorry I haven’t been here in a bit, I haven’t been super active on social media recently. The fluctuating weather has been wrecking havoc on my health, the Pups were beset by allergies or (an early spring cold) last week and so most of the time I’ve just been resting, taking care of them, and playing Okami. So there hasn’t been much going on here, much less to write about.

Hopefully I’ll be able to get in the swing of things soon!