Okay, this is like my fourth attempt to write this post, because brains are stupid, words are stupid, and blank pages are stupid and so are feelings, so please bear with me while I try to get all of these stupid things lined up to make something coherent.
I am feeling disconnected. I don’t really know what I want, or what to do about it, or what to do with myself in general. It is difficult for me to really express when I want or need something, and I tend to get really wildly different reactions when I do, so it’s often less stressful to just, not say anything. I tend to ignore it anyway because my kids come first as well, and making sure they have what they need is always my priority. All that in addition to being chronically ill leads pretty easily to me feeling disconnected to my own body, feelings and thoughts, but it’s usually not so obvious and forefront as it is today. Maybe because I’ve been struggling with getting enough sleep the past two weeks and I woke up in a lot of pain this morning is why I’m feeling the disconnect so strongly today.
I wrote a short post awhile ago about how I felt Amaterasu-omikami was pushing me to start drawing again. But I’m struggling with it for various reasons. I haven’t drawn in almost ten years. So my past skill is pretty much gone. It’s frustrating. I wanna be on the same level as some of the artists I follow on social media. I’m not jealous, all my frustration is internal, wishing I’d kept up with it, wishing I hadn’t had such an awful professor when I was in school (that mess is it’s own post, ugh), wishing I could just magically be at the level of skill I want immediately. Which I know is completely unrealistic of course.
I sat in prayer to Amaterasu-omikami this morning, apologizing for not being able to make offerings yesterday and trying to express to her all the things I was feeling about drawing and feeling disconnected and being in pain today. And I felt her listening. Then this question popped into my head: what do you want out of it? If you only want the enjoyment of drawing, does your skill really even matter? If it matters, why? You sing even though you’ve never taken a class because you enjoy it. Treat drawing the same way. You must do it for yourself, not solely for me. It only means anything to me if you truly want to make art and enjoy it. Only then would your sincerity be clear in its creation.
I didn’t really know how to answer her questions because I don’t really know what I want out of it. I used to love drawing with my whole being. To the point that it was part of my introduction sometimes. This is Fae, she’s a twin and she loves to draw. Everyone who knew me knew that I always kept pencils and paper in my bookbag, had three pencil sharpeners (one was only for my colored pencils), and like five erasers. My grandfather would buy a ream of printer paper and put my name on it so I would stop stealing from the printer lol. My teachers would ask me to design fliers and programs for class or to draw examples on the chalkboard. I miss that. I miss enjoying it instead of feeling dread and anxiety.
I guess what I want out of drawing is to feel like I did as a kid again.